A lot of unexpected things happened since I backed away from being as talkative for a few weeks. I’m happy I called it a kinda-sorta self-care hiatus, because that’s exactly what is was. I didn’t fall off the face of the earth, but I did have a chance to think about some things that I needed to and some things that I wasn’t aware of.
In my hiatus I feel like I gained my fire for the next steps in my life. I started out blurry and unmotivated. Since my hiatus I’ve been able to set more concrete goals. I realized that I want to establish myself as an African-American writer that presents different narratives about the black experience to the media. I love watching the work of Issa Rae and Donald Glover, because they have been pioneers in this new wave of black artists showing different sides of the black experience in the media by writing about non-stereotypical yet relatable characters. That’s what I want to do with my work. Notice that I say writer and not author, because one day I hope to expand my writing beyond not only my blog, but the pages of a book. Moving forward, I would also like to continue to work from home even after I move since I feel that it better suits the direction I’m going in. Having this renewed vision for my life has got me excited!
You can’t be great if you don’t start. You can’t be great if you don’t try.
This is an affirmation I’ve been telling myself often (needs to be daily). One of the reason I’ve been moving slow with my ideas is, because of fear. I worry that people might not feel my writing is substantial enough. I worry about the fact that I’m not always organized and busy savvy as I’d like to be. Sometimes I daydream about doing really big projects, yet I haven’t done the small ones. But, like my affirmation says, I can’t get to greatness of I don’t start or bother to try. This includes handling my business on my smaller projects and knowing that failure isn’t always a horrible thing.
Onto another subject I did a lot of soul searching relationship wise. I learned that I have a problem with being vulnerable and making certain comprises, because I’m afraid it’ll lead me to be walked over by a man. This issue is something that is going to take time, but I’m happy that its been brought to my attention how I feel about certain aspects relationship wise and where those emotions first started. A lot of them came from watching the women in my family put up with things that I knew I didn’t want for my life. I think along the way I lost the understanding of when it’s okay to open up to a person and make sacrifices for them.
I’ve also decided that I want to do singleness differently. I’m not a sad single, but I also haven’t been one that’s 100% content. I’d describe my singleness as some sort of bootcamp. Ever since I can remember, I have always been interested in what guys like and what it takes to be relationship ready. It used to give me the confidence that I could walk outside and that guys would be begging to cuff me. Reality is I don’t get hit on that much and when I do it’s with guys that I know I shouldn’t be with. The guys who have the characteristics I’m looking for in a man never hit on me. While they do admit they view me as wife material, they still aren’t interested (or at least not fully) in me. That has been my love life pattern since…well since I’ve liked guys. I’m not sure why it seems like I’m always evolving (in many ways) and yet I’ve been stuck within the same chapter of my love life.
It’s not your job to wake the people sleeping on you up.
I’ve been talking about how much I hate this love pattern for longer than I can remember. I thought one day I’d meet a man that would break the pattern and be well…you know…different. While I have met men who vary in personality and character the pattern hasn’t changed. The last encounter with the pattern (which took place during my hiatus) let me know that maybe I shouldn’t wait for Prince Charming to come save me from this vicious cycle. If I want to break the pattern, I need to change the role I’ve been playing in it. I’m not longer putting myself in a relationship ready bootcamp and holding onto the idea if I check enough “wife must haves” off of my list that my husband will appear. A lot of self-help love books make it seem that simple, but it’s not. Love isn’t something that can be formulated. I know people who haven’t put half as much effort into becoming prepared for their mate as I have and yet they ended up meeting the love of their lives with ease.
This is not to say I don’t believe in self-improvement and preparing for what you’ve asked God for. I’ve just learned that love isn’t just about getting ready, it’s also about timing and we all are operating on God’s timing. Formulating my love life has left me insecure when I do everything the self-help books and others have advised me to do and it still doesn’t work. It flat out makes me feel as though I’m not good enough and never will be no matter what improvement I make. I know that isn’t true, but that has been a reoccurring feeling for a while now. One that I can no longer stomach. Moving forward, instead of relying on some formula I want to focus on myself. I need to focus on becoming the person that I like and enjoying my singleness to the fullest. I need to appreciate all of the perks about being with God alone. I need to fall in love with myself. Hopefully in me doing so I will stumble upon the right one. With me moving I think this is the perfect time for me to just do me completely.