I read a blog post yesterday titled What if All I Want is a Mediocre Life? by
What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up—beyond mom and sister and wife?
Krista words inspired me, not only because it got me to thinking that maybe I should use my blog for a place to display my own vulnerability, but because it also made me question my life. What if I want more than a mediocre life? I hate to use the term mediocre, because who’s to say what mediocre is? I think a better word is “simple”.
Truth is, I’ve never desired just a simple life. When I was a child I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but something in me knew that it wouldn’t be as simple as what Krista desires. I come from a simple, traditional family. Everyone goes to school or work, for the most part if they relocate it’s to Texas, get married have kids or stay single. It’s not as simple as that, but that’s pretty much the gest of it. Then there is me. I always thought I was the strange one in the family, because I’d talk about traveling the world, becoming a well-known writer and how I wanted my marriage to be. “You’re a big dreamer aren’t you? I’ve heard that more than I can count.
Lately I’ve been wondering if I’m asking for too much. Am I wrong because although like Krista, I do see the importance in being a wife, mother and friend but I don’t see who I am ending just there?
I can’t see myself just becoming a professor who’s married to a store manager who has 3 kids and lives in a comfortable home in a safe neighborhood and being completely satisfied? Am I wrong, because I think about things like when I have children it will be mandatory for me to teach them black history and how to treat others, because I’ve run into too many educated buttholes who are book smart, but treat people like crap and have no self-worth.
Am I wrong, because although I have a PR degree, sitting in a cubicle while working for a firm isn’t in my plans? Is it crazy that my life plan is to be a writer of books, plays, this blog, webseries or whatever else I can get my hands on to change the black narrative? Is it crazy that I want to be an entrepreneur and finally bring all of these ideas that God bombards me with on a daily basis to life? And if I do work for others I prefer working from home? Am I wrong for eventually wanting to get my MBA so that I can become a professor at some point in my life and help other creatives with their dreams and yet knowing that being a professor will only be for a season and not for the entirety of my life?
Am I wrong, because I require a passionate relationship? One of those I get what God meant we He said “two shall become one” type of relationships because he’s way across the room not even talking but I can feel his energy–our energy. I want to no longer have to keep my ocean of emotions trapped inside of a dam, because it’s too much for a simple person to swim in. I want a man just as passionate as me so I can no longer question if being so passionate is crazy, dramatic — a flaw within myself that I need to fix, but actually a rare beauty that I can not only give and get back. What if want to be Christian and wait to have sex until married, but recognize that I am an aggressive person who participates in PDA and will dip out on an outing with my friends so me and my husband can smash while our friends give each other a knowing look cause? What if I want my husband to be more than an Average Joe, but someone who is also making a difference and inspiring others and I’ll finally know what it’s like to be with someone that you are proud of and admire. What if I need him to know what his purpose is and living within or striving towards it instead of just another existing human? What if I want a 100% faithful relationship?
Is it okay that somethings in life I do want to be simple? I do want my writing to be well-known and I do want to collab with the likes of Issa Rae , but no I don’t want a reality TV show or to post my most cherished moments all over social media. I do want to sit and eat with my family. I do think being a mother and wife are high honors. I do want to take family trips, but to Texas and Africa. I don’t need tons of materialistic things to make me happy, but the things I do want are usually quality. I want to keep my same close friends and be friends with people I’ve admired for a long time. I don’t have to be a millionaire, but I do want to be financially stable and afford to see the world and bring the projects that God has given me to life so if that means millionaire then fine.
Am I dreaming too big? Am I asking for too much? Am I even good enough to have these desires. Sometimes when I tell people the things I want I hear “well you know if you want this type of man you need to wear more makeup” or “how are you going to do that when you’re introverted”. Does wanting these things make me shallow? My friends who want simpler things seem to get what they want a lot easier and quicker. I mean, they seem happy with their Average Joe, simple home and simple dreams so should I be also? I often question if the things I want are unreasonable and if they will lead me to a life of loneliness and emptiness, because what if I’m just being high maintenance and end up missing out. On the other hand, I wonder if these are the desires that God has placed within me. Maybe God wants me to wait and strive for these things. If I do anything less the feeling of settling will eat me alive.
The best advice I’ve gotten is from my best friend (who’s a more simple person). She told me that the Kingdom of God is like a body and we all have different functions. Some functions are more on the front in and some aren’t, but they are all important in their own way. Since God wouldn’t gift me to be a passionate, creative, idea-making person just to punish me for having these desires. It’s still going to be a day-to-day learning process for me to become confident that I am worthy of the things that I desire and that it’s nothing wrong with desiring these things. I’m working on it, because I’m looking forward to the life that God has for me and you should to simple or not.